Being pregnant has been a wonderful time for me. It is full of so much joy and change and new experiences, it is almost hard to remember a time when my body felt any different than it does now. I have relished these past 26.5 weeks with ever growing joy, especially now my belly is expanding and I can feel our son move - and even see him move when he kicks hard and my belly jumps. At least, this has been my experience being pregnant. I know a lot of other women who have much harder pregnancies filled with sickness and fatigue that won't quit.
If there is one thing, however, I am not enjoying about being pregnant, it's the hormones. Having your brain hijacked by an onslaught of hormones flooding your body as you grow a tiny human is one thing, and believe me, I can handle Mommy Brain. Jordan and I even laugh about it at times - especially when I stop speaking mid-sentence and honestly can't remember what I was talking about. What I struggle with is the roller coaster of emotions which accompany this flooding of hormones into my body. On a regular day, I can usually decipher when my heightened reaction to something is due to the pregnancy or when it is something which needs to be addressed.
On a regular day - as someone who has always had big emotions and been very in tune with the spiritual to discern the deeper meaning behind situations or comments - I can handle the array of emotions because I know myself well enough to know when I need to address my emotions or simply let them feel and be done with them.
On a regular day.
Yesterday was not a regular day and last night my hormones got the better of me. I broke and I broke hard. I will give myself credit though, throughout this entire pregnancy I have only had about 3 or 4 major meltdowns where it felt as if everything was crashing in around me and I simply couldn't handle it anymore. This was one of those.
For as wonderful as a time as pregnancy is and for the amount of reputable information you can find online about any questions or weird symptoms you may have, it is an overwhelming time. There is so much conflicting information - even the information given to you by your doctors office can be overwhelming. When you stop to think about all the things you have to do daily to have a healthy pregnancy, it is hard to believe anyone can do it. Not to mention if you have a high risk pregnancy, as we have due to my maternal age being over 35.
With this being our first pregnancy, I have been trying as hard as I can to not let it all overwhelm me and make me jump at every little weird sensation or pain I have never experienced before, but it still got to me big time.
All day yesterday I had been having some discomfort and pain in my upper right side, directly underneath the bottom rib. I did some cursory research online and figured our son was stretching and maybe jabbing his foot under my ribs because the pain wasn't constant. I didn't even think to call the doctors office during their business hours to talk to someone. I was able to manage most of the day, but admittedly by the evening I was pretty uncomfortable. I was scrolling through one of my pregnancy apps and of course stumbled across an article written about what symptoms NOT to ignore when pregnant.
There. It. Was. Symptom No. 2 on the list - persistent pain on the upper right side of the abdomen could be a sign of preeclampsia which can be fatal to the baby.
Immediately I felt the rush of fear and anxiety and my brain shut down. All I could think about was what if this was preeclampsia and we lost our son? This baby we have prayed for and fought for so deeply and diligently. What if we didn't go to Labor and Delivery to get checked out and something terrible happens? But then of course came the contradictory thoughts.
I don't want to be a crazy mother who overreacts at every little thing.
We were just at L&D last week because his fetal movements were less and he was fine. Do I really want to be THAT pregnant woman who rushes to the ER the moment she gets scared?
I know I am hormonal right now so I need to just wait until tomorrow to see, but what if it is preeclampsia and he dies?
Y'all it was awful, and this was just the beginning. Once my hormones got my emotions involved, a rush of other thoughts about myself and the stage of life I am in starting coming to the surface.
I haven't been working a typical job for a few months now and we are officially on one income for the moment so those feelings of shame came up. Not to mention the fact we are getting the house prepped to sell in the next 6 months and I literally can't do anything to help Jordan other than pack, so those feelings of inadequacy and failure as a wife came up. On top of all of it, I have come to realize there is an underlying sense of insecurity in this pregnancy because our road to get here has been so long and hard, I don't think I will feel our son is 100% safe and whole until he is in my arms in October. So the anxiety of those feelings exacerbated the fear of loosing him from the silly little pain in my right side.
Needless to say, I ended up breaking down in our bed. Then in the living room. Then again this morning when talking everything over with Jordan after I had taken time last night to pray and cry out to Papa about it all. I have always been the kind of person who can't sort out the reason behind a strong emotional reaction in the moment, but need time to reflect before I can verbalize what is going on. I am sure it drove my parents nuts when I was a kid, but in my journey to deeper inner spiritual healing, I now understand I simply need to pray and sort it out with Papa before I can really explain to anyone - much less myself - why I reacted the way I did. This had caused some strife in our marriage in the first year, but Jordan and I are strong believers in asking for forgiveness in the moment and reconciling. Then if we need to talk later there is a deeper level of trust and understanding already established. Which makes those hard conversations sooooooooooooo much easier, believe me!
I know my emotions are gonna get worse as we draw closer to the birth of our son and the postpartum phase. Part of me is honestly worried about what my mental and emotional state will be, but Jordan and I are in constant communication about it. I couldn't have asked for a more understanding and patient man in my Jordan, and he has seen me through some really tough moments in our young marriage - pregnancy or no! He understands I feel big, deeply, and with all of me, but the hardest part of this whole hormonal journey in pregnancy is not feeling like myself anymore. Knowing my reactions are due to the hormones help, but when these meltdowns come along, I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I have control over what I am thinking or feeling and it can be a very lonely and painful road to walk. Not because I am not letting Jordan in on what is happening inside of me, but because it's my body and my emotions and I have to find a way to navigate it on my own before I can let him in on what is going on.
Pregnancy has so far been one of the most amazing journeys I have been on, but man alive, it's taught me more about myself than I thought it would. I am thankful for it, but wish my hormones wouldn't force me to perceive my surroundings and situations with such a tainted lens. I am honestly looking forward to what the last 3 months of this pregnancy will bring and what motherhood will teach me, but can I make one request?
Can my hormones please calm down so I can tackle this season of life feeling like a sane person?
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