There is a lot they don't tell you about pregnancy. A lot you have to learn yourself as you go, because each pregnancy is unique. Some of it is learnt simply by walking through the day to day of pregnancy, some is learned from doctors appointments, and some is learned through advice and stories from mothers who have come before you.
The hardest is what you learn when something goes wrong. This can be an internal issue with the pregnancy itself, or an external circumstance that changes your whole world and what you expect your pregnancy to be.
I would say having expectations that fall through is one of the hardest journeys to walk through pre-pregnancy and amidst pregnancy. At this point in our pregnancy, Jordan and I are no stranger to our expectations falling through. I posted a while back about our brief but painful journey along the road of infertility (read the post here if you have not had the chance to yet), and we were overjoyed when God's promise of a child for us was fulfilled. With Papa's grace and strength, we had walked through one of the hardest disappointments of our lives and had come out the other side victorious.
Then two and a half months into our pregnancy, I was let go from my job. Even though ultimately it was the right path, it definitely came as a bit of a shock. Papa was with us through the whole conversation with my work and after as Jordan and I worked through what our next steps would be. My work was very generous, giving me a sizable severance package and still desiring to have me be a part of their son's lives - and future daughter! We were suddenly without a second income, but even though this came as a shock, we had no feelings of animosity toward my former employers. I had an unexplainable measure of peace, partly because the severance package gave us time to plan and prepare, but mainly because we could see Papa's hand in this.
Our picture of me working up until the due date and then possibly transitioning to becoming a SAHM (stay at home mom) after maternity leave was forced to change, and we were forced to adapt. Our plans for what we thought was the right path for our pregnancy and our family was suddenly turned upside down.
Over the next week, Papa began to show up in the most unexpected ways. We were able to pay off my debt from before we got married. All of our nursery furniture so far has been donated to us free of charge, and we only need one more large item. Through reworking our finances, we have now come to see that we have the ability to allow me to be a SAHM, which has been both mine and Jordan's desire since we talked about children while dating. Suddenly, with our expectation dissolved, it made way for God's plan to be revealed to us.
Since our journey down our new path, more and more about my role as a wife and mother is becoming clear to me. There was so much I desired and admired about the life of a wife, a SAHM, and a homemaker, but there were so many new expectations I didn't realize would arise until I stepped into my new role. New expectations I am more and more excited to continue to walk out.
With every day bringing us closer to meeting our little Gummy Bear, I am more and more excited to fully take on the mantle of what it means to be a Biblical wife and mother. What it means to love my husband better with each passing day, love our little Gummy Bear well, and love my extended and church family. We have prayed for this pregnancy so diligently, this beautiful and precious new thing that has arisen. It has made me realize I will always come second or even third to my husband and my child, but it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. Carrying out Gummy Bear has changed my expectations and has striped me down to my core, showing me I shouldn't have expectations any more over my life because God can better move through me when I take the pressure off myself and my life - or my husband and child's life - to look a certain way.
Even though our expectations have continuously been shattered in these 15 short weeks, I am forever grateful. I can see my purpose now is to love. Simply to love. Considering God is love, and I am called to love and to walk out God's love here on Earth, I do believe He is positioning me in this time to be prepared to move when He calls me to. I can also see having a job at this time and after Gummy Bear arrives would be a hinderance to His calling on me.
So for that, I am thankful.
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